First, the story of a birth without pain. Because this is not the story that is told about birthing. You have likely heard the “fact” that birth involves the worst pain ever. If you are a pregnant woman, then at each appointment the doctor likely lists everything that could go wrong (as justification for more and more tests), instilling conscious or subconscious fear of pregnancy and birth. Fear is the name of the game in the medicalization of birth. Fear of the unknown, fear of “risks,” fear of age, fear of pain.
As the birth of my daughter was approaching I thought about the pain of my previous births. This was my fourth child and even though people told me “every birth is different,” I also felt deeply that my births were unfolding into a pattern. Each one was faster and more focused that the last. I felt more confident and calm as I approached birth. I had used hypnobirthing with my first and I was able to get into a state of deep relaxation. At least for the first 20 hours… First births are notoriously long and mine was no different. But I had a sense that hypnobirthing could work. With my next two I was so nervous and had so little time then as a mother of toddlers to prepare as deeply. The births were pretty fast and mostly uneventful. I was grateful for my natural births but there were still very difficult moments.
This time around, I was utterly immersed in translating and internalizing a mystical discourse from the first Chabad Rebbe, Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi, on the concept of concealment (Link to Pre-Order + Donate to the published book!). At the core of this discourse from Torah Ohr is the idea that pleasure and pain are inversely correlated concepts. Without any challenge, tension or pushback, there is no growth, advantage, or delight. In fact, for there to be the miracle of creation itself, G-d had to pull back and conceal His blinding light in order for an Other to emerge.
The week before my due date a mantra popped into my head. Every time a contraction would build, instead of focusing on it as pain, I would think, “This is the pleasure of my baby being born.” I reflected on the way we think of pain as something to avoid, something bad, something unwanted. The sensation of a labor contraction is none of those things. It is the sign that my body is drawing my baby down into the birth canal and bringing my baby closer to me (this is the language of hypnobirthing). Each sensation of pressure is wanted, necessary and exciting. My baby is on her way!
As my labor started early on a Thursday morning, I was so excited, but I kept wondering, “is this it?” The contractions were mild and far apart. Over the course of a few hours, they kept coming slowly and calmly. Only two or three times did I need to stop what I was doing and focus on my mantra: “This is the pleasure of my baby being born.” As I filled my mind and heart with this belief, it melted away any pain and replaced it with a feeling of purpose and joy.
We set up babysitters for the kids when they came home later in the day and I kept on eating and resting at home. At one point I told my husband we should maybe call the doctor’s office or go to the hospital. But the nurse just told us my contractions were too far apart and I should wait until the pain was “unmanageable.” I had to laugh. She didn’t know about what birthing could be. This is when I received my first insight of this labor: The “rules” of the world are so limited and small-minded, conditioned and constrained by a lack of possibility.
We took our second walk of the day around the block and the pressure was intense. I felt my baby descending. As we turned the corner towards our house, I had a big contraction. I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and went deep inside. Calm, slow breathing, accepting the knowledge of my body, releasing tension or fear. This is the pleasure of my baby being born.
I looked at my husband. “We need to go to the hospital. Now.”
I had learned with my third that I could go from mild and far apart to this baby is coming out within minutes.
We packed up the car and set off to the local hospital, just a five minute drive. In the back of my mind I kept thinking, “is this it?” I had no more contractions in the car or when we arrived. I was worried my labor was slowing down. My doula/friend/mentor came to meet us. She saw me in a surge and said, yeah that’s some good work. But it felt so easy to me, so free of pain, intense but so manageable. Was this just early labor?
We got to the maternity ward and they took one look at me and sent me straight to a room. I was 7 centimeters dilated. Every ten or fifteen minutes I would have a mild contraction. My husband was chilling on his work phone answering messages and I was just sitting on the birth ball after they monitored me. Let’s get walking, I said to my doula. On each lap of the hall I would have a few small surges. Did I drag us here too early? I started worrying. Would we be here all night in this early labor?
After an hour and a half of this, I decided to rest in the bed for a while. I laid down and the contractions stopped. Oh well, I thought, at least I will get some rest for the hard part later. As I stood up at 4:30pm, I had what I call one of those earth shattering contractions. My whole body was alive with the expansion of my cervix and again I went into my relaxation stance, my mediation on the pleasure of my baby being born, and the joy of my labor advancing. I chose to never think, “ouch this hurts,” or worry that this was too hard for me to handle.
At that very moment, my doctor arrived. He checked me and said, “You are ten centimeters. Let’s have this baby!”
Here was the next lesson of my labor: The doctor told me that if my cervix was dilated, I could try pushing. This seemed bizarre to me if my body hadn’t given me the message that it was time yet. “Are you serious?” I asked him. “Yeah, if you want to try you can.” This was humorous to me, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt. But after a minute or two of pushing without a signal from my body, I stopped. I told him I would wait until I was ready. I realized that with all of his experience, I was the most experienced about how my birth would go. My internal knowledge was the most accurate and aligned with my baby and my body.
After two contractions, I called the doctor back and I felt the baby’s head emerging. I didn’t need any coaching, any advice on how to position my legs, I just went inside and moved with the urges of my body. Almost immediately, she was born. I felt on top of the world. I yelled to my husband who was standing behind the curtain, “It’s a girl!” and “This was awesome! I could do this three more times!”
The doctor was amazed. He said I was the most “in control” woman in birth, more in control then women on epidurals. The irony is that I had given up control. I had given the control to my body, who knew how to birth. I didn’t know how to do it. The “I” of my mind is powerful, but only when it is working with my body to operate in a flow state. If the mind is trying to control the body with force the interesting thing is that I would actually have looked “out of control.”
That was my third and final lesson of birth: The true meaning of the hasidic teaching “moach shalit al halev,” the mind rules over the heart. The basic understanding is that the “heart,” meaning one’s bodily desires, impulses and actions can be directed by the higher faculty of the mind. The mind can and should dictate how the heart/body operates. This is true but again, the language here misleads us. The mind is not a “ruler” but a partner in harnessing the immense power of the body towards the proper ends. The body is where all the power is. The body is where things happen, where life unfolds. A body set wild is a dangerous thing– abusive, selfish, controlling, hedonistic. A body directed towards a higher truth is a beautiful thing– experiencing true pleasure, inner peace, clarity, and real control.
My mantra of pleasure replacing pain was my most visceral experience of the mind ruling over the heart. The experience did not chance. I still had contractions, I still worked hard, I still had to breathe and focus, however, my inner intention redirected the physical experience to one of pleasure instead of pain.
[Disclaimer: I am not suggesting that every woman can access this in every birth. I also cannot say how much of my experience was solely from my inner work/meditation and how much was the ease of my fourth birth after my body had done this a few times. All I can offer you is my experience and the tools to try it out for yourself]
My birth was a dance between knowing my own power and releasing control. Giving up control to G-d does not mean you stop thinking and working. It means having full trust everything will be awesome. It means allowing reality to unfold how it will rather than trying to force it into your plan. It means releasing anxiety and fear. Knowing your power means using your talents to achieve this inner state. It means learning tools and strategies to build your spiritual and mental strength. It means recognizing your unique abilities and your shortcomings.
The three lessons of my labor:
- To know I can transcend what the world says is fact.
- To know that my body is holding the deepest wisdom
- To know that when I apply my mind to directing the wisdom of my body this results in a release of tension and a state of flow.
These lessons are the processes of living in Geulah, living in a redeemed, perfected world.
This is the wild secret of the messianic times: the world will initially be exactly the same as it is now. The difference between exile and redemption in the Hebrew words of golah and geulah is just an additional “aleph.” That aleph is G-d consciousness. The pain of exile will flip to the pleasure of redemption when we begin to open our eyes and see it as such, to see it as G-d’s world, to see the truth, to see possibilities, to flow with reality, to find pleasure and joy.
In the next discourse I plan on translating and publishing from Parshas Va’eira in Torah Ohr, the Alter Rebbe explains that the fetus in the womb is our experience of exile. In exile, we can’t see, we can’t speak, and we gain sustenance through our tummy, not our mind. The process of being freed, just like how we left the slavery of Egypt is that of being born, through the birth canal, through the splitting of the sea. To a world of true sight where we open our eyes and receive G-dly awareness in a revealed way in our minds, not on an instinctual, habitual level.
Birth can be an opportunity to embody this reality. It could be a time to dig deep into your psyche and discover who you are and to learn what G-d is possible of achieving through you. I am thrilled for women who have a great birth with an epidural or have a healthy baby through a C-section. These are also messianic processes. But for women who are open to the possibility of birthing as a peak spiritual experience: I want you to know what is possible, what is waiting for you, what secrets your body and your mind might hold.
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